April 10, 2007 - Sooner Than Expected
Unfortunately this is not a positive post. Nobody's hurt, the General has not been wrecked, and I still am employed.
Earlier tonight my brother and I were walking around Wal-Mart doing some shopping. I saw that blond girl who works there on her day off. I think she was with her boyfriend. He wasn't very good looking, but I had to go behind them in line. She saw me and I did try to smile, but it just came out a wince and I just looked away.
Obviously that vibe I had gotten from her was misread. I had actually found her on that myspace.com. It was a few years old, but the picture was definitely her. She had listed her status as single, but... I saw them leave in a single car, so if they are boyfriend/girlfriend, they must cohabitate or at least spend a lot of time in one domicile. They do not look alike, so I would not think brother/sister. The fucking odd part is that there were times in the last few months that it seemed she would actually seek me out, but... I cannot believe that they just got together. That means I misread her, and that also means I have been making a fucking fool out of myself for no damned reason. Well, it could have been MUCH worse.
I really don't know why it is affecting me so much, but I suppose that I had hoped when I lost a bit more weight, I could try something, but not now. I do not try to fool myself. I know that being unattractive does not help, but I hoped if I could just fix some of my issues, things could be different. I will not try to blame society for my faults and claim we live in a very appearance driven world, as I do the very same thing. I do not seek out over weight, non pretty women. Why should I expect any less from them?
I hate being single, I hate being lonely... but I think... that is my fate. There are some people who never get what they really want in life, I may just be one of them.
I suppose something else that is bothering me is that, in my severely romantic mind, I had imagined going out and doing simple things like grocery shopping with my girlfriend. I imagined arguing over what kind of toilet paper to buy, and what kind of pasta sauce to get. The ability to perhaps claim her lips in the frozen food section. Simple run of the mill common shit so many others take for granted. To see someone else doing that... jealousy burns at me.
Earlier tonight my brother and I were walking around Wal-Mart doing some shopping. I saw that blond girl who works there on her day off. I think she was with her boyfriend. He wasn't very good looking, but I had to go behind them in line. She saw me and I did try to smile, but it just came out a wince and I just looked away.
Obviously that vibe I had gotten from her was misread. I had actually found her on that myspace.com. It was a few years old, but the picture was definitely her. She had listed her status as single, but... I saw them leave in a single car, so if they are boyfriend/girlfriend, they must cohabitate or at least spend a lot of time in one domicile. They do not look alike, so I would not think brother/sister. The fucking odd part is that there were times in the last few months that it seemed she would actually seek me out, but... I cannot believe that they just got together. That means I misread her, and that also means I have been making a fucking fool out of myself for no damned reason. Well, it could have been MUCH worse.
I really don't know why it is affecting me so much, but I suppose that I had hoped when I lost a bit more weight, I could try something, but not now. I do not try to fool myself. I know that being unattractive does not help, but I hoped if I could just fix some of my issues, things could be different. I will not try to blame society for my faults and claim we live in a very appearance driven world, as I do the very same thing. I do not seek out over weight, non pretty women. Why should I expect any less from them?
I hate being single, I hate being lonely... but I think... that is my fate. There are some people who never get what they really want in life, I may just be one of them.
I suppose something else that is bothering me is that, in my severely romantic mind, I had imagined going out and doing simple things like grocery shopping with my girlfriend. I imagined arguing over what kind of toilet paper to buy, and what kind of pasta sauce to get. The ability to perhaps claim her lips in the frozen food section. Simple run of the mill common shit so many others take for granted. To see someone else doing that... jealousy burns at me.
posted by Matthew Shine at 11:18 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home