February 16, 2006 - Those Post-Valentine's Day Blues
You know, ever since I was a young child I never liked Valentine's Day. I suppose my dislike for it was birthed in my elementary school years when the teachers would announce that it was the students duty to make Valentine's Day cards to our fellow classmates. The premise, which I still don't really comprehend, is that they are supposed to be symbols of affection from one to another. However, since they were forced, I question the value of such objects.
This practice changed a bit in fourth grade. Starting in fourth grade, rather than having it be an assignment, there was an hour or so allowed to the students with which to make Valentine's Day card and a special box with which to receive them (to be affixed to ones desk). I recall very clearly two or three years making out this box, providing ample room for what I had believed would be a bounty of cards. One must understand that prior to this I had always gotten around 20 or so and figured the trend would continue. Fourth grade was different. Starting then, students only had to make out enough Valentine's Day card for those who they actually wanted to give to, rather than the whole class.
I have long believed that it is not proper to give something to one person and ignore someone else. I would NEVER go out with friends for dinner and only buy for one or two. If I cannot buy for all, I buy for none. In that regard very little has changed in me as back in school I made the full class list Valentine cards and dutifully handed them out. It was... unpleasant... when I only got one. That one was a generic one from the teacher herself no less. After the fifteen minute handing out session I had to sit back and watch EVERY other classmate read mountains of cards, while I had one. It is difficult to feel a part of something when you only perceive alienation.
The girl I had a crush on, the people I figured were my friends, those who I... thought I had some value to, didn't even give me a shake of the hand. The girl I had foolishly believed myself in love with then had made cards out for many other guys, and she blushed and giggled when she read the cards given to her by them. I was given silence. That is exactly what happened every year in school until that Valentine's Day nonsense was fazed out in the sixth grade and while I don't remember so well the years after that, I do know that the first year that happened I just got up and went to a corner of the room and just read. It is a response I have put into action many times since.
This Valentine's Day was in some ways a little better than the one's of my youth, but in others the worst of my life. Better because I only twice had to overhear co-workers boasting about their cards or flowers, but worse as I had to see Tess a few days before Valentine's show off the card her new guy gave her. I know she wasn't most likely going to see him on the 14th itself, but I have been hearing more and more about this person in Portland. If he is not officially her boyfriend yet, it is only a matter of formality. I know that this is just a crush, but it hurts like a bitch.
In some ways, I think that Tess' feelings toward me are beginning to thaw bit, or at least becoming more ambivalent. She still doesn't talk with me unless I say something and she is required to speak (example: she had to remind someone sitting next to me of a meeting they were supposed to attend and I told Tess that I myself reminded said person and Tess, without looking at me, asked if I could relay to this other person to shut down their computer). On the other hand, this morning (the 15th) I walked past her and said 'Good Morning' and she ignored me.
Now and again, I will look at her (something I find myself doing far to often) and our eyes will lock for a second or two before one of us will break contact and then she will not look at me again for a day or two. Other times, I will sense her looking at me for a few seconds when I think she believes I am unaware of it. When I sense that, most of the time (and damn the weakness), I give in and look at her but doing that forces her to look away. She is also no longer avoiding walking right next to me anymore.
As I had predicted, the more hot and heavy she and this new guy get, the less and less I am perceived as a threat. I suppose that is good, but another part of me does not like that either. If she really only thought of me as a friend, why was I a threat? I suppose it is only because as more time passes she is becoming more and more aware that I have no intention of bringing the matter up again. If that is the case, I think she's placed her bet safely.
Dee is another matter altogether I am thankful to say. She and I talk more and more every day and are actually becoming something similar to friends. I have occasionally taken on the role of counselor as she and her boyfriend have had some fights recently and since the relationship is so new I think it is affecting them more than it probably should, and I have voiced that belief. Dee is actually considering moving out of state with this guy, and as much as she may not like it I have taken on an almost 'voice of reason' role in reminding her that she shouldn't rush to judgment in the heat of the moment. Thankfully Dee has already said that while this guy can just pick up and leave, with her daughter she cannot.
These days, I cannot fathom what made me like her in any other way than friendship and also makes me grateful she had someone else before I made some big mistake like telling her I had a crush. I think that my romantic inclination towards Dee was something that I can only best describe as 'spill over love.'
I will try to explain. If one tries to pour a gallon of water into a shot glass, some of that water will spill out and I think that due to the over load of emotions I was feeling for Tess before my night of confession, the feelings spilled over onto others that I never had any inclination towards before. Now that Tess knows, the eruption has subsided to the point I think I am looking at Dee the way I am supposed to.
I honestly have to wonder how much of the Tess feelings are even legit. My last relationship (which ended in her death in a car accident)... I have to wonder if I've been looking at Tess, Dee, Mel, etc, as a way to... plug that gap in my life. I want the REAL thing, but these girls just aren't them.
Re-reading this post makes me kind of shiver. No one else may read this (or at least read this in the same way I do), but looking back at my childhood, I can see very little has indeed changed since I was that little boy in the corner.
This practice changed a bit in fourth grade. Starting in fourth grade, rather than having it be an assignment, there was an hour or so allowed to the students with which to make Valentine's Day card and a special box with which to receive them (to be affixed to ones desk). I recall very clearly two or three years making out this box, providing ample room for what I had believed would be a bounty of cards. One must understand that prior to this I had always gotten around 20 or so and figured the trend would continue. Fourth grade was different. Starting then, students only had to make out enough Valentine's Day card for those who they actually wanted to give to, rather than the whole class.
I have long believed that it is not proper to give something to one person and ignore someone else. I would NEVER go out with friends for dinner and only buy for one or two. If I cannot buy for all, I buy for none. In that regard very little has changed in me as back in school I made the full class list Valentine cards and dutifully handed them out. It was... unpleasant... when I only got one. That one was a generic one from the teacher herself no less. After the fifteen minute handing out session I had to sit back and watch EVERY other classmate read mountains of cards, while I had one. It is difficult to feel a part of something when you only perceive alienation.
The girl I had a crush on, the people I figured were my friends, those who I... thought I had some value to, didn't even give me a shake of the hand. The girl I had foolishly believed myself in love with then had made cards out for many other guys, and she blushed and giggled when she read the cards given to her by them. I was given silence. That is exactly what happened every year in school until that Valentine's Day nonsense was fazed out in the sixth grade and while I don't remember so well the years after that, I do know that the first year that happened I just got up and went to a corner of the room and just read. It is a response I have put into action many times since.
This Valentine's Day was in some ways a little better than the one's of my youth, but in others the worst of my life. Better because I only twice had to overhear co-workers boasting about their cards or flowers, but worse as I had to see Tess a few days before Valentine's show off the card her new guy gave her. I know she wasn't most likely going to see him on the 14th itself, but I have been hearing more and more about this person in Portland. If he is not officially her boyfriend yet, it is only a matter of formality. I know that this is just a crush, but it hurts like a bitch.
In some ways, I think that Tess' feelings toward me are beginning to thaw bit, or at least becoming more ambivalent. She still doesn't talk with me unless I say something and she is required to speak (example: she had to remind someone sitting next to me of a meeting they were supposed to attend and I told Tess that I myself reminded said person and Tess, without looking at me, asked if I could relay to this other person to shut down their computer). On the other hand, this morning (the 15th) I walked past her and said 'Good Morning' and she ignored me.
Now and again, I will look at her (something I find myself doing far to often) and our eyes will lock for a second or two before one of us will break contact and then she will not look at me again for a day or two. Other times, I will sense her looking at me for a few seconds when I think she believes I am unaware of it. When I sense that, most of the time (and damn the weakness), I give in and look at her but doing that forces her to look away. She is also no longer avoiding walking right next to me anymore.
As I had predicted, the more hot and heavy she and this new guy get, the less and less I am perceived as a threat. I suppose that is good, but another part of me does not like that either. If she really only thought of me as a friend, why was I a threat? I suppose it is only because as more time passes she is becoming more and more aware that I have no intention of bringing the matter up again. If that is the case, I think she's placed her bet safely.
Dee is another matter altogether I am thankful to say. She and I talk more and more every day and are actually becoming something similar to friends. I have occasionally taken on the role of counselor as she and her boyfriend have had some fights recently and since the relationship is so new I think it is affecting them more than it probably should, and I have voiced that belief. Dee is actually considering moving out of state with this guy, and as much as she may not like it I have taken on an almost 'voice of reason' role in reminding her that she shouldn't rush to judgment in the heat of the moment. Thankfully Dee has already said that while this guy can just pick up and leave, with her daughter she cannot.
These days, I cannot fathom what made me like her in any other way than friendship and also makes me grateful she had someone else before I made some big mistake like telling her I had a crush. I think that my romantic inclination towards Dee was something that I can only best describe as 'spill over love.'
I will try to explain. If one tries to pour a gallon of water into a shot glass, some of that water will spill out and I think that due to the over load of emotions I was feeling for Tess before my night of confession, the feelings spilled over onto others that I never had any inclination towards before. Now that Tess knows, the eruption has subsided to the point I think I am looking at Dee the way I am supposed to.
I honestly have to wonder how much of the Tess feelings are even legit. My last relationship (which ended in her death in a car accident)... I have to wonder if I've been looking at Tess, Dee, Mel, etc, as a way to... plug that gap in my life. I want the REAL thing, but these girls just aren't them.
Re-reading this post makes me kind of shiver. No one else may read this (or at least read this in the same way I do), but looking back at my childhood, I can see very little has indeed changed since I was that little boy in the corner.
posted by Matthew Shine at 12:23 AM
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