February 2, 2006 - The "Fall Out" Yet So Far
This has been what one could deem a 'less than happy' week in my life. On Monday (1/30) Tess came into work bordering on late and very quite. We sit near each other and I was just so damned ashamed of myself I could not bare to look at her directly, but I think I saw her stare at me for a few minutes out of the corner of my eye. If so, that was the last time she has purposely looked at me to my knowledge.
The friendship, the camaraderie, is as I feared it world be: gone. She acts as though she fears me, or what I will say or do. The fact that she fears me is something beyond comprehension. For a few days I even though Lynn was doing the same, but she has said a few words to me in the last day or so, so I think that may have been paranoia.
The night I told Tess, after the posting of the blog, I basically obsessed on what I had confessed to her and the more I thought, the more incriminating it felt. So pent up with guilt was I that I was unable to sleep and had to deal with the Monday after that in a quasi-lucid state. A part of me wishes that I could have dealt with Tess before work that day, and maybe repaired the damage but alas she came later than normal and left sick before the end of the shift.
I did manage to sleep Monday night into Tuesday and whatever emotion I had wished would go away most decidedly did not. Tess came in, once more later than normal but did seem to be in better spirits. Once more she avoided me, and once more I did not blame her. All day I ridiculed myself for telling her, and for messing with what should not have been changed.
So bad did it get that Tuesday night, I attempted to exorcise my guilt with a ritual that not to many understand. Inside all human minds is a safe place. A place where your mind goes when it needs to retreat, whether from stress or torture (physical or emotional). It is a place we ALL have and it is our safe place that we will sometimes go to unconsciously to protect our sanity. Not many can get there while lucid, and fewer by willing yourself. It takes meditation and, to be honest, a little luck; but when there you feel more at rest and more at peace than you will EVER feel in the outside world. I got there Tuesday night into Wednesday morning, and with full knowledge of what I was doing, shattered that inner peace. With guilt and recrimination I obliterated the one part of my mind that was a safe place, in sacrifice to Tess. I came out of it Wednesday (4 or 5 hours later) uncontrollably weeping. The agony was raw and tangible, but deserved. I did do other things to my body that night that even now I am an not proud of. I needed to do something that would leave a potential mark, and I did.
Having not slept Wednesday morning I was understandably not quite with it once more. In fact, in such desperation to try to fix what had gone wrong with Tess, I actually asked her how to make someone feel better with a hang over. That was the only time I have felt... ballsy... enough to even try to talk to her. To her credit she did look me in the eye and advise water and plenty of aspirin but afterward looked away and to this moment has not even glanced at me (that is, once more, to my knowledge).
Any belief that perhaps I was being paranoid, or seeing improperly into meaningless events was put to rest tonight. Where we work, at 8:57 you can log off of your computer but have to punch out at the time clock at 9:00, so people can congregate in there for a minute or so waiting to leave. I was the first person at the time clock at 8:58 and actually watched Tess start walking toward the clock and see I was the only one there and turn around. She spent about a minute or so waiting for a friend of hers to start toward the clock as well before venturing over. At 9:00 I swiped out, and the walk way to and from the time clock gets narrower in one larger area (10-20 feet) and when it looked Tess and I would be within a few feet of each other, she held off in a side alcove and waited for me to pass, trying to be as far from me as possible. Last week that wouldn't have happened.
You know, I used to be believe that honesty deserves honesty. I also used to think that if you tell a person you "like" them you should at least be given a response. I never could fathom how one could get an answer when no words were spoken... until now. Tess has, as I knew she would, rejected me and not made one sound while doing so. I broke the social contract and she has every right not to forgive me, or at the very least not to trust me again.
I do believe she will talk with me again someday. I think when she gets an official boyfriend, she may try to reach out, but never again will it be as it was. Never again do I think I will be alone in her presence, or if am not of her volition.
For my own selfishness I have killed that which I once deemed one of the saving graces of my life. I have lost my peace and made Tess loose her friend. I will never forgive myself for this, and if Tess truly dislikes being around me from now on, I will honor her silent request and give her what she now asks from me: to go away.
She deserves to be happy and if being happy means not being around me, I must accept that. Even if I am not IN love with her, I do lover her.
The friendship, the camaraderie, is as I feared it world be: gone. She acts as though she fears me, or what I will say or do. The fact that she fears me is something beyond comprehension. For a few days I even though Lynn was doing the same, but she has said a few words to me in the last day or so, so I think that may have been paranoia.
The night I told Tess, after the posting of the blog, I basically obsessed on what I had confessed to her and the more I thought, the more incriminating it felt. So pent up with guilt was I that I was unable to sleep and had to deal with the Monday after that in a quasi-lucid state. A part of me wishes that I could have dealt with Tess before work that day, and maybe repaired the damage but alas she came later than normal and left sick before the end of the shift.
I did manage to sleep Monday night into Tuesday and whatever emotion I had wished would go away most decidedly did not. Tess came in, once more later than normal but did seem to be in better spirits. Once more she avoided me, and once more I did not blame her. All day I ridiculed myself for telling her, and for messing with what should not have been changed.
So bad did it get that Tuesday night, I attempted to exorcise my guilt with a ritual that not to many understand. Inside all human minds is a safe place. A place where your mind goes when it needs to retreat, whether from stress or torture (physical or emotional). It is a place we ALL have and it is our safe place that we will sometimes go to unconsciously to protect our sanity. Not many can get there while lucid, and fewer by willing yourself. It takes meditation and, to be honest, a little luck; but when there you feel more at rest and more at peace than you will EVER feel in the outside world. I got there Tuesday night into Wednesday morning, and with full knowledge of what I was doing, shattered that inner peace. With guilt and recrimination I obliterated the one part of my mind that was a safe place, in sacrifice to Tess. I came out of it Wednesday (4 or 5 hours later) uncontrollably weeping. The agony was raw and tangible, but deserved. I did do other things to my body that night that even now I am an not proud of. I needed to do something that would leave a potential mark, and I did.
Having not slept Wednesday morning I was understandably not quite with it once more. In fact, in such desperation to try to fix what had gone wrong with Tess, I actually asked her how to make someone feel better with a hang over. That was the only time I have felt... ballsy... enough to even try to talk to her. To her credit she did look me in the eye and advise water and plenty of aspirin but afterward looked away and to this moment has not even glanced at me (that is, once more, to my knowledge).
Any belief that perhaps I was being paranoid, or seeing improperly into meaningless events was put to rest tonight. Where we work, at 8:57 you can log off of your computer but have to punch out at the time clock at 9:00, so people can congregate in there for a minute or so waiting to leave. I was the first person at the time clock at 8:58 and actually watched Tess start walking toward the clock and see I was the only one there and turn around. She spent about a minute or so waiting for a friend of hers to start toward the clock as well before venturing over. At 9:00 I swiped out, and the walk way to and from the time clock gets narrower in one larger area (10-20 feet) and when it looked Tess and I would be within a few feet of each other, she held off in a side alcove and waited for me to pass, trying to be as far from me as possible. Last week that wouldn't have happened.
You know, I used to be believe that honesty deserves honesty. I also used to think that if you tell a person you "like" them you should at least be given a response. I never could fathom how one could get an answer when no words were spoken... until now. Tess has, as I knew she would, rejected me and not made one sound while doing so. I broke the social contract and she has every right not to forgive me, or at the very least not to trust me again.
I do believe she will talk with me again someday. I think when she gets an official boyfriend, she may try to reach out, but never again will it be as it was. Never again do I think I will be alone in her presence, or if am not of her volition.
For my own selfishness I have killed that which I once deemed one of the saving graces of my life. I have lost my peace and made Tess loose her friend. I will never forgive myself for this, and if Tess truly dislikes being around me from now on, I will honor her silent request and give her what she now asks from me: to go away.
She deserves to be happy and if being happy means not being around me, I must accept that. Even if I am not IN love with her, I do lover her.
posted by Matthew Shine at 9:55 PM
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